Growing Up

I love childish humour ,this is not likely to shock you dear reader ,and there is little chance anything will ever change to make me not adore a good knob gag, But recent events have made me for possibly the first time ever ponder my own mortality; I have lived with the notion that I am indestructible for most my life, and as such have never cared about the passing of time, being comfortably well off and ridiculously good looking. Life has been a total blast, from leaving home at 18 to present day not one day can I hand on heart say I regret, is it luck? I don’t know, I just always seem to land on my feet,

So what’s made me ponder the passing of time well firstly the age of my friends especially new ones seem to be getting much younger, this in itself is ok but the age gap brings the inevitable reference gap, in conversation you say flock of seagulls and the “yoofs” think birds rather than odd eighties pop act, laughing at the fact the young know so little is in itself heart warming, but makes you feel old.

This year after 2 years off the road I am taking on a few charities cycling events, in the past I used to get the bike out and within a week cover 50 miles no issue no need to train that much and with next to aches and pains, this year I have established that the body is no longer the finely tuned performance machine I once thought it was

I have also taken up running something I have never done before although I am improving its bothering me that I am so shit at it, after a solid month of going at least 4 times a week sometimes 5 I am still huffing at 2 miles and dying by 3,when I did take the bike out last week the first thing I noticed was just how dam scary fast it is and how tiny the tyres are, where did this need for safety come from, I still drive a speedy car and drive it like I stole it. And still like to climb stuff and jump off it. but now I think about it first I have never once thought that’s to fast or that’s too dangerous, why now am I becoming a girl, what happens as you age to make you realise that you cant just piss ball about all the time and you have to take care of yourself?

Suddenly not being the youngest in the gang has made me actually start to think 1 day, I will be a fogey its nearer than I ever thought it would be, would I go back in time and do it any different? , no way I would not change a thing, would I go back in time and be 20 again? No way. I would love to have a week there and have an enormous about of sex with 20 year old girls but I would not want to stay, so why I now feel the need to take care of myself is still lost to me,

 I feel the same as before I look almost as good as before, but I can say that being older has allowed me to realise that although I had a blast I don’t really want to do it again, so if I ever do invent a time machine I kind of think I will only travel forwards because looking back only makes you feel old.

I hope 2012 is the year that I may at last get married or at least engaged ,may at last become a sensible mature member of society, now all I need is someone to ask me because there’s no way I am buying a ring, well off I may be crazy I aint!

Social Networking

I am the last to admit I am wrong about anything, but for once and this is the first time this has ever happened I may have been wrong. Now anyone who knows me will by now need smelly salts, I have for years resisted social networking as a silly fad for very silly people and still believe that Facebook is shite, don’t get it, never have, never will, its shite, Myspace and all the others completely passed me by without me noticing they excisted.

But Twitter I Joined in 2009 and after a slow start , Just  finding it good for info and sports news , I adore it, find it the most addictive thing there is, its fun, funny and the only place where you can say anything, without feeling the need to check anyone will mind, OK in 3 years my personality on-line has changed beyond measure where I used to just try to annoy as many people as possible, now I can if feeling the love be helpful,this is partly down to allot of friends and family following and partly down to maybe starting to grow up a bit, so I cant always be to rude!

Twitter alows you to be able to find out instantly the result of an obscure cycling race in Australia while keeping minute by minute score updates from the football and learning to cook Chinese’s food all while sitting at work to me is amazing, I have and do follow anyone who is odd, funny, obscure or just will teach me something I did not know anything about, for example a brilliant lady is tweeting me daily Chinese recipes, a tennis pro is telling me all the scores so I don’t have to suffer watching tennis, golffist are telling me what’s going on in there pointless sport, its brilliant, all messages in bite sized chunks not two long as to bore me or make me ignore them.

Now for the negative, how can people follow so many people? I genuinely read all mine, if I have a holiday I miss them but otherwise read 99% of all things in my time line, I follow 120 odd people this is about 500 tweets a day, how do you read them if you follow hundreds even thousands? This question really does need answering, why follow someone you have no need or gain from?

I follow friends weirdo’s and experts and it changes all the time, recently I stopped following a very interesting chap who taught me about websites and how to set your own up, but after 6 months he was repeating himself so dropped the bore, in a nice way but dropped nevertheless, so although I wont likely ever start my own web page its cool to no I could.

So here we are dear reader, if you read this because your one of my sexy super followers (no mingers allowed) then I hope its because you like, hate, fear or just want to follow me, not because you hope I will follow back, I do follow back if you’re a Luton fan or a friend or can teach me something but only until you bore me.

So go forth interwebbers and be interesting be crazy be random just don’t be boring, and  please don’t just recycle jokes from other websites, if its yours or new then do it if you nicked it from somewhere credit them cos its lame to steal.

Oh and please feel free to dump me from your list of people you follow its not something that has or will ever bother me, the best thing the reason Twitter makes me laugh is the fact that some guy in Nova Scotia liked a random comment I made based normally on how much sugar I have consumed that day Peace out Twatters see you out there x

Emperor Clifford I

We live now with so much government be it national or local that no-one has any idea who is in charge, my town has a population of just about 205,000 and yet we have 2 MP’s, why is anyone’s guess, if we are skint and need to cut cost there is a job that can go, surely 1 town can cope with just 1 MP?

So, here we go, I propose we create a single unit to run the country, we abolish all local government and appoint one person to run the country, we abolish the House of Lords and all parliament, we in effect appoint an emperor

When we had a monarchy that had real power the country did very well, excluding starvation and disease of course, yet now we are slowly falling behind the rest of the world due to our need to legislate. If the Tiger economies can rule billions of people with next to no dissent from the masses, our new emperor should be able to handle 60 million.

So, where do we find this new leader, well I think it needs to be someone not scared to make decisions, able to remove themselves from the consequences of there decisions,have fabulous long flowing hair and be dashingly handsome, if I may be so bold I suggest that new emperor be me.

Wait, what makes me think I can run a country, well lets see, I would make the army the best well equipped in the world, I would make the managers of hospitals directly responsible so if someone dies of neglect or because of dirty wards they go to jail, I would throw out any sponging parasites back to where they came from.

All hardworking people would be safe as the top end policemen of all districts would be made electable, so if your being terrorised by vacant youths and the police do nothing, then you vote them out and get someone in who will give the scumbags a good thrashing.

On crime, I would make the victim or victims family able to set the punishment for the guilty, so if you’re a bleeding heart liberal you can let the scumbag who mugged you go with a nice warning and some community service, but if you want him put in stocks and battered about a bit then that’s good too, does anyone really think if the recent rioters had known a day in the stocks was the punishment they would have been so quick to steal some trainers?

Victorian, right wing all this may be but it would work, we allow council offices to be filled with career carers who pass files around and allow there cases to die yet never visit the person its about, they profess to be swamped with paperwork, well if the child dies the social worker goes to jail. Bet they suddenly get up and get on with it then,

The compensation culture that’s crippling any public service would be removed, if you have an accident then its just that an accident, get up get on and stop whining, if someone wrongs you then they go to prison, no one needs to give you money.

Sure there are going to be teething problems, where will the money come from etc, well when we have a functioning utopia, zero crime, good health, pensioners respected and cared for, money will not be an issue, companies and individuals will flock to be part of this, suddenly Britain will once again be the hub of the empire.

So, in conclusion make me emperor, give me 5 years, if nothing improves I will gladly stand down, as by then I would have embezzled so much money I will want to naff off to a nice island in the Caribbean, and be surrounded by floozies and flunkies, and I bet you in 5 years I will get more done than any leader in the history of the UK, Churchill, will be a distant memory next to my achievements,let my Dynasty begin!

thanks Poo's for the edit

Grammar Nerds

Because of English word’s like there, their and they're and the never used correctly apostrophe ,the new most pathetic nerds and sudo-interlectuals, have taken it upon themselves to educate all who care to listen on how they should have used “their” or the apostrophe goes at the end, this ends now.

I am telling you this is now not acceptable you need to allow language to evolve to change and to addapt,surely you cant be that dull that you care to correct other people’s accounts of things?

If language, spelling and grammar never evolved we would all still use ye instead of the, and Shakespeare would be worth reading.

If he was about today he would use text speak to appeal to the masses, He would use abbreviation and slang, its not dumping down its evolution; you are of course welcome to use any language to describe any events but to belittle others because there punctuation is wrong is pointless and makes you look a dick.

Anyone taking the time to write something down even a “tweet” has merit, it belongs to its time and its place, history may not remember the message but history will remember twitter. even if we look back and say what where they thinking to bother with that, so leave it alone, no one will ever want to have sex with you or find you funny or even want to meet you if your so boring.

Maybe you can take your new ambivalence to trivial matters and actually become interesting, maybe you can devote time to being a productive member of society rather than a grammar nerd, and then maybe you will get a girlfriend and have some sex or maybe even make a friend

Go forth ex members of the grammar police, stop playing dungeons and dragons and squire yourself a tasty bit of fanny

And I have not checked any of the above for spelling or grammar as it made sense, so proves my point, or not disagree its what language is all about, just don’t mail me I wont read it co’s your clearly a bore.

My best idea in years

Being someone who can spend entire days with nothing more taxing falling thru my brain than ,did I get enough ice cream as cant be arsed to cook tonight, I am not a deep thinker, I have so many pointless nonsense ideas about nearly all things that I decided ages ago not to voice them all verbally, Twitter allows me to post about 10 % of my crazy just enough to not scare to many people, and make me look mental, so I have invented things that no one would ever want or buy, and spent days fiddling with silly contraptions that don’t help in any way yet amuse the hell out of me,

Then every now and then I have a doosey a proper good idea ,some real left field thinking that is so bizarre its got legs walks and shits out its own brilliant ideas,

So I am pondering life the universe and everything ,and it hit me, we have melting north polar ice caps, and a dwindling polar bear population, as food and distance is killing them off, so here’s the thought, move them lock stock and barrel to the south pole, masses more food to eat ,expanding ice shelf that will allow them to roam and have vast territory’s they hibernate all through the worst of the weather so the penguins still bread and flourish and likely hardly ever meet, plus the penguins need there numbers trimming as they are wiping out huge fish stocks,

Ok I am sure this may shock you as it does me, But and in a JLO styley it’s a big But, this would ensure the species survived, and how is a penguin any less cute than a baby seal and we happily let them eat them ,so lets expand this idea, massive parts of north America are uninhabited and climate wise stable, lets move African endangered species, set up rhino sanctuaries it cant be that hard ,we happily waste millions keeping the giant panda alive thru artificial insemination etc ,just cos it looks cute, lets save some of the more killer exciting animals with the same gusto

Now your thinking all good, I  see your point of view(or more likely don’t) but how are we going to fund this its not like we can fly them on easy jet, well I have covered that two, we make them pay there own way, there are thousands of very rich very evil people with far to much money, we allow, after the animals are thriving and safe from extinction to hunt and have them for there supper, admit it rich weirdo’s love to shoot shit up, especially rich Americans, they can brag they have Polar bear for there barbe, it would be a smash hit, explore the wilderness of the south pole and shoot bears, its bound to be a success , thousands signed up to commercial space flights and the planes are not of the drawing boards yet, we can get the money.

So who is with me, great idea or utter nonsense, time will tell, I think in 20 or 30 years time this idea wont seem so far out.

The Real Evil That Lurks Amongst Us

The Citrus axis of Evil

First there was Iran, Iraq and North Korea. Now we have oranges, lemons and limes, the new and far deadlier axes of evil.  We have allowed these cutesy colourful balls of evil to infiltrate our lives. We start with the orange, the least offensive entry level fruit.  It’s harmless and nice and great squeezed for a refreshing breakfast beverage.   But beware, it’s the marijuana of the drugs game, it’s there to seduce you into the citrus trap, once your groomed on oranges you move to the real evil the crack cocaine of fruits: the lemon.

In 1997, Jamie Oliver was featured in a television documentary about the River Café. Soon after the documentary was aired, Jamie was offered his own television show and The Naked Chef was born.  At that precise moment in time, Lemification began.

With Tony Blair being elected Prime Minister, the final nail was driven into the coffin of this country.  Suddenly, talking and acting like a degenerate illiterate yob, was seen as cool. We all decided that we needed to use lemons in every single thing we cooked.  We raised children to only eat bitter nasty grub, because gobshite chefs said it ”cuts through the other flavours”.   No, it makes every dam thing you eat taste exactly the same.  So to counter this, every lazy good for nothing on the social, who couldn’t afford endless lemons, all trotted to the local fast food joints and got fat.  American fat, so fat that now these ‘restaurants’ are all drive through because the chunky can’t even walk.

Now we have armies of jumpsuit stretching socially inept thugs, who think its ok to riot if a criminal is shot. And whilst we sit back and tut, the Lemification continues.  These books of recipes still fly of the shelves.  What new stuff do you need to read?  Take veg, place on tray, cover in lemon, bake, eat, wonder why it tastes fucking horrid, go riot!

It’s happened.  And the only solution is to demand your food tastes of food.  Demand that we will not put lemon in coke or any other beverage.  Coke has existed as a perfectly refreshing drink since the 1940’s.  At no point did anyone say this needs a slice of citrus. Stop it.

Just de-lemificate and we will once again walk in our streets safe and sound.

Limes

As bad as everything smelling tasting and covered in lemon is, we move on to the lime.  The silent sneaky assassin of the fruit game.  It sits there all green and shiny, yet all the time directing the others to attack, rarely seen out, rarely seen bought by anyone sensible yet the true kingpin, the boss, is never caught yet controls all. How else would we think something so clearly unripe is a good accompaniment to anything?  Think about it.  The lime is the real power behind the lemons throne.

Go forth mighty Britain, remove citrus from your lives and once again sing Land of Hope and Glory, take your sword of burning gold, your arrows of desire and once again feel proud to be British.

Thank you LL as always for the honest review and spell checking,

Man Law Part 2

Man law (Part 2)

So, you’re half way through your education.  You’re feeling good, women are noticing you and finding you way more interesting.  You could stop now, you would still be a far better man than you were, but a real man needs to finish the final five steps to achieve Mantopia. It’s hard as it gets and getting progressively harder. And so we begin, with number five.

Man Law Number 5

Meat. Nothing at all can replace meat from a man’s diet.   Salad is a garnish. A nice decoration on the side of the plate.  We can all have a salad once in a while, but under no circumstances can it become the norm. Being well rounded men, we can date a vegetarian, even go to their restaurants (I have, they’re good) but without fail, a vegetarian diet will hold you back.  Your body may feel fine, but you’re heading down a road that leads to scented candles.  Meat can save you from this.

Man Law Number 4

Language. Now don’t get me wrong here, I like to swear. ‘Fuck’ is a fabulous word. Stub your toe, or hit your thumb with a hammer and ‘damn it’ just don’t cut it. But there are no occasions when swearing or shouting in anger at your lover, partner, or wife, is acceptable. Jokes are ok, bedroom adult play language actively encouraged, but no man should ever need to be foul and abusive to someone who is their confidant and partner. Men are stronger and in most cases larger than women, remember that and act accordingly.

Man Law number 3

Underwear.  Men, you have made it this far, and you’re still with me. You’re thinking Law 4 was way to tough, but trust me, three is tougher. Throw out all your gag pants.  Anything with a lion on the front is wrong. Having followed as far as Law 3, you will now be surrounded by the most plucked, preened, perfect creatures, your god ever created. They are dressed in something fantastic every time you visit.  They never answer the door in sweat pants and tops with pizza down the front. They’re waiting in stockings and perfect little two pieces, so the least you can do is get yourself 20 pairs of good man pants. Not posing pouches, nothing with cartoons or Star Wars characters involved.  I’m talking Calvin’s, but then only white is acceptable. Believe me, if you do get to drop them for a foxy filly, she is going to love them.  And keep them white. If they turn grey and baggy buy some more, don’t be cheap when covering your jewels.

Man Law Number 2

Driving. Of all the man laws, this is the one I still struggle with most myself.  We all need to get where we are going and the roads are ridiculous at the best of times.  But let people out.  Let children and drunks cross in front of you. Be a good Christian motorist. If someone cuts you up in a queue, remind yourself that if male, he undoubtedly has a tiny cock.  If a van sits an inch from your bumper, remind yourself that you have a supermodel at home and he is pulling his own to bang babes at midnight.  Try it. It’s liberating. You will get back all you give, think of it as the oral sex of driving: if you give, you will (hopefully) receive. 

Man Law number 1

Be a man. If you dismiss all 10 other laws and dismiss me as a crank and a tosser, I will be more than happy if you just accept Number 1. No man ever has to hit or hurt a woman.  No excuses. No level of provocation is an excuse.  If you need to hit something, go boxing, or come round mine and I will kick your pussy ass.  Being a man is brilliant.  We can scratch are balls watching TV and no one notices. We can laugh at inappropriate behaviour and no one minds. We can own tools we never use and no one thinks it weird.  But we cannot abuse our position and hurt the ones we love.  If you think that’s sissy, then fine.  Clearly you’re not a man, you’re a wife beating piece of shit.

Thank you dear reader if you made it to the bottom.  I think there are possibly 200 more man laws, all with varying degrees of importance.  Just remember, nothing is sexier or cooler than a man who is not afraid to be what his god created.

Thank you to LL for the Proof,And the inspiration