Wednesday, 14 November 2012

You Sad Fucker!


Question:When where you last happy?

Recent events have made me ponder,
I am basically a lucky jammy shit who always lands on my feet, no matter what is thrown at me I always seem to just bounce up and carry on regardless, this makes me think, am I lucky? or am I happy?, or am I as I believe just able to see the positive and ignore the negative.

Either way being happy is clearly not a simple issue, money, possession, relationships all help but sometimes the saddest people have the most stuff, I admit I have too much, I feel I could without any issues have allot less stuff, money, and possessions so let’s ignore them as I really don’t think they are even a little bit important in the quest of happiness.

So if it’s not money or owning every dam thing there is, is it work? In my case no, work, since I became moderately successful had only become less and less fun, more rewarding sometimes but certainly less fun, when I was a YTS apprentice on shit money and doing all the crap jobs no-one else wanted to concern themselves with I was happier in work than any subsequent promotion and pay increase.

So were left with relationships, does being happy mean you need to be in a relationship? I am once again left thinking no, as I have been happy in and out of relationships, casual sex with varied partners can be just as much fun as a lasting built relationship, but I hear you cry relationships are more than just sex, and yes I would agree, but I guarantee the first thing to go in a failing relationship is the humping, once that’s started to become a chore or even stops altogether then What you got?, the IKEA Fight? The silent meal out? where all you talk about is the menu and what you’re both having, that is not for me

So to be so bold as to answer my own question, when was I last happy? I would say thankfully I have never been anything less than happy, I start happy and try to always keep it that way, time does its best to slow me down make me realise I am no longer a young man able to take on the world, but no matter what comes my way, I refuse to believe that I am being persecuted or being picked on ,I think I am lucky to not lack confidence but even the shy should believe in themselves and what they do, if you no longer love your partner? Dump them move on, don’t stay because you’re lazy or don’t want to risk being alone, if you hate your job? Train improve learn and move on, if you think you need a bigger house or a better holiday to be happy? then you’re an idiot and I can’t help you, but if you believe in yourself and accept yourself as you are then you will be happy and prosper. Always remember we aren’t here long so why ruin it with wasting time and energy on things that make you sad, peace out dear reader hope you don’t think me to frivolous

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

We’ve hit the Bottom 

Men. Sometimes I think that what I hear and learn cannot be true, that it cannot be this bad in this mighty country, That I need to instruct you in the basics, but this is far too big a crisis to go without immediate action.

I was told recently a story that following exhaustive research has proven to be factual. you as men are just not fulfilling a basic need to keep your partner's happy,
It’s ok to be a leg man, boob man or even 1 of those foot weirdo’s. But under no circumstances is it ok to neglect your duty as a man and not bite your partner’s ass. We’re not talking cannibal flesh ripping here just a nice nibble and a little slap. Red marks allowed, nothing permanent remember you’re not trying to mark/brand her.

This has to be addressed and addressed now. If you’re in a relationship and allowed your stagnant lazy ass ways to get between you and your ends tonight. Before you sit you fat ass down and watch TV, make sure you have hoisted your woman’s skirt or dragged her jeans down and given that ass a dam good nibbling. And under no circumstances do you ever put the clothes back, hoist, nibble, leave.

If this does not at least raise a smile then you have got to start bringing your manliness back, you need to remember this is your night to show your lady you’re still a man. Ravage her, ravage her long and hard. Bang her harder than a coffin nail.

Now she is thinking oooh (insert your name) your such a real man after all, and not a sissy girl who I can take for granted, and all of a sudden the sex, the fun, and the sex is back, no more fiddling to bang babes and pretending to be doing Research on your laptop when your clearly watching porn, your future happiness depends on this.

The fact that I have to tell you this just further shows that men are losing their way and we are basically becoming a nation of sissies. Let’s get back to being manly, Bottom Nibbling and gentle biting is a fundamental “Man Right” do it now or forever become the downtrodden girly man you always swore you would never be

Friday, 8 June 2012

Women and Men and "Wangs"

With the aging process comes the inevitable slowing down of the libido, this is medically proven and something we cannot do anything about, boys are at their most potent when there about 18 women mid-twenties, is this really true? or is it shite?

Being male I think about sex about as often as I breath in, this is no surprise we have spent billions of years evolving to make sure as a species we continue to thrive, so we pretend not to be staring at your tits or in my case your ass ,but we are, I am, he is, we all are, we wander through life and size up just about every female we pass, we may not want to admit it but we do, men are dogs in heat and that’s just how it is.

So what happens will I awake one day in the not to distant future too find my "Hang Dang"no longer wants to be up, but prefers to be asleep, will it no longer like woman, will it prefer hibernation to hide the sausage, will I need the dreaded blue pill that saved a billion marriages, will I answer on line Viagra adds as shame would never allow a DR to prescribe it let alone a chemist dispense it.

For me the answer is simple, as I am fully aware I will not be long lived, I think it’s only fair that when willy dies I go with it, brain can you here this my whole life and future is based on the knowledge that my cock is very important to me, so remember this brain, if you decide to starve willy of blood I will starve you of oxygen, this pact we shall agree on, “the sword is mightier than the Brain”

Of Course this won’t actually happen women are brilliant, and funny, and sexy, and pretty, and amazing, and soft, and gentle, and the only thing that keeps us men from killing each other on a daily basis, without you we are nothing, we think we can survive but we can’t, without the fairer sex we are just silly boys with their silly toys.

So dear reader do we carry on as if Sex does not make or break us? do we embrace the inner beast?, Yes we fucking do, life is short mostly boring and mostly pointless, none of us ever will do anything that will resonate through history, so let’s make love, have fun, be happy and die knowing we never hurt anyone or made to much of a mess

And ladies I wish you all the luck love and life you would wish for yourselves as men we don’t thank you enough for the bountiful gifts you bestow and we take you all for granted

Thursday, 10 May 2012

My Life as a Luton fan

A blog about Football, so goodbye to 80% of you and if your still here, this is about how following a club can be fun but also hard work.
Luton Town go to Wembley in 10 days this is where I will be, and this is why we love the game

Luton Town is my club; anyone who follows me on Twitter will know that plus will notice I love football and sport in general
Why did he not take me to Arsenal
We begin when as a young impressionable boy my father took me to see Luton play in the then old first division (yes I am that old), as the youngest of 4 and with no mother around, anytime spent with my dad was treasured, he worked all week and most weekends to raise us and as such I was never going to say no to going spending the occasional Saturday at the Luton ground. Growing up this was the only time I ever heard my dad swear all swearing was strictly taboo, but soon as we entered the “Kenilworth” it was like he became “Sweary dad” I loved it, I thought it was like being on another planet.
So we stood and watched what was then unknown to me perhaps the best team ever produced by luton ,we had England internationals we won trophy’s we played football that even Arsenal would call flowing, back then there was no way I could see how we would be languishing in the basement. Back then it was cool to wear a Luton shirt, we all did I wore mine till it was see thru and smelly and still never took it off, no kids at my school supported “Man u” or “Liverpool” there was no need we had a great team.
The Dark Side
To understand what has gone so terribly wrong at Luton you need to understand the clubs darker side,
As a town of mass immigration from every part of the world ,we attract the underclass far right ,we have a chequered history of extremism that still today resonates thru the world ,the EDL only last week marched thru town, even that fuckwit Anders Breivik thinks we are a hive of villainy. You know you’re not a good role model when psycho killers mention you in the trials. So we have history we have an image as a flighty, scrappy, nasty bunch of cunts.this is still no reason to be as betrayed by the football world as we were, but we do deserve some of our reputation. I am not innocent in the history of my club, I have been to and seen and involved myself in some of the darker side to our history. Without knowledge of our past how can we improve and make sure we don’t repeat our mistakes,
Luton have free fallen thru the leagues with occasional flutters at success pretty much the whole last ten years, we have changed hands and been ripped off by so many so called saviours that I can’t even remember them all, all sailed in with huge promises and all sailed out with our money falling out the back of their wallets too heavy to carry, we are now under the chairmanship of Nick Owen who I think has of all our past chairman been given the hardest task, the FA in there infinite wisdom decided that 10 point fine and then a 20 point fine was how best to treat us in 2008,so we began 30 points behind all other teams and clearly no hope of avoiding relegation, a fine that size has never been handed out before , and even now stands as an example of the endemic hatred towards my club by the FA, Nick Owen did not deserve to be treated like this and the FA have tried to have the whole affair seen as an example when all football fans know it was personal. Oddly we would have been better off if the punishment was relegation as we would have been 1 season further forward as no club in any league would survive a minus 30 start.

The futures bright the futures Hatters
So we stand 10 days from Wembley and what could be are first step back, as a realist I doubt I shall ever see my club play top flight football again but I do think we should be at least a first division club, we are well placed well supported and have more history and tradition than half the pretenders to footballs throne. Even in our piss pot division we hold all the attendance records and are fans are true and loyal, we are the best supported team in the Conference and hopefully we will no longer be in that shite league after Sunday.
Maybe when the dust settles after the game next week, the future may start to be a little brighter, new grounds so long a dream, new sponsors and maybe just maybe even a few new players. Good luck Luton I think we deserve it after all that’s been before,
And let’s be clear here who in the football world outside of York has ever heard of them, yet who has not heard of Luton, does not remember Pleat dancing on the pitch, does not remember the plastic pitch and does not remember being betrayed by the FA
So please feel free to comment cos for once I will read them, yes I have glossed over our triumphs and even failed to mention the “Johnstone Paint Trophy” but these were just polyfilla over the cracks off my club and we are only going forward.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

The Greatest Living Englishmen

Part 2

Here we are there is a winner and what a winner ,now don’t cheat and see who is number 1 give the rest there fair chance, we have a veritable rogues gallery to get thru before we reach the undisputed winner, with more than 90% of the votes (if I had polled it and not just decided arbitrarily) My list my rules and with that we are at number 5

John Terry

If we could include family members John Terry would be easily in the top three, he comes from a family that would shame the Jeremy Kyle show, but sadly this is all marked on his own merits, and many there are ,as an England and Chelsea captain he is undoubtedly a brilliant defender, this is not the greatness we seek, he could play at any club he wanted and be there best defender, this is still nothing to merit his place on this list,1 achievement alone stands as a beacon of light in this dark world of ours, to shag your best friends woman is so totally brilliant its beyond legend, he could have any bimbo he wanted yet chooses the lazy option ,this alone stands him out from the crowd

Number 4: Brian Blessed

If your unaware just how brilliant this man is the Google him I could write 5000 words and not get close, he has seen, done and appeared in more things than all of us mere mortals combined, and done it all while being totally bonkers, he will no doubt always be remembered for a silly catchphrase from a very poor film “Gordons Alive” yet this is just the tip of this mans greatness. He is the only man I would love to have as my grandfather, he is the only famous person I follow on Twitter as he is the only famous person who is actually not a scripted Muppet. Brian please adopt me.

Number 3: You

Every person everywhere has a moment of greatness some so great they make the news, some go entirely unnoticed, who reading this has not got a cup into a bin from 30 feet, or got away with mugging an old lady (kidding) my point is we all do great things every day we all find small moments we wish the world could have seen, this is why we are Great Britain not ok Britain we have greatness in our history and are lives ,we are fortunate enough to be born in a country that punches above its weight and lets be honest here who would ever want to be born anywhere else

Number 2: Chris Clifford

Only my failure to impregnate a spice girl, that's robbed me of top spot. My list my rules, you read this, surely that is enough to warrant a place in the list? So readers tutt, moan, and call me a wanker if you want, I am still greater than you.

Number 1: Ashley Cole

There it is the number 1, how I can hear you scream he is a tosser? I agree, he is a scumbag again no argument from me, he is the reason we all hate footballer excess, his nickname is Cashley, all the points I take but he is the one person who does what we all secretly dream of doing, he shags and ditches northern racist, he plays football for a living, he drives flash cars, has untold girlfriends. But 1 thing he did, is the 1 thing at some point every working man or woman has only dreamed of doing something that alone would make him number:1

He placed an Air Riffle in his car, he took said riffle out, and took it into his workplace, he then shot someone, who has not dreamed of gunning someone down at work, but being Ashley he got away with it and is still a top premiership player. Anyone other profession and instant sacking and possibly a court appearance, Ashley does what we can only dream of doing

As always all comments will be ignored but feel free to make them if you must  x

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

The Greatest Living Englishman

The Greatest Living Englishmen

Part 1

There are many who would say we don’t live in a time of huge achievement and this mighty country of our is not as great as it once was, this is clearly nonsense, we are living in a time when as I shall endevoir to prove that there are many truly great Englishmen, around right here right now to inspire you and to motivate you to be all you can be,
In compiling this list I have as before made it a top 11, this is because top 10 would have excluded 1 and been boring, we have 1 comedian, 5 sportsmen, 1 politician, 1 former FIA president, an actor and an explorer and 1 that defies description, this is all based on how you define great, to me its purely on how this group make me feel I like them all clearly but dislike them as well , this is because they may stand for something I don’t, but I admire they way they stood up and were counted, even if I disagreed with there views, this list is complied in order of how I rate there greatness and how I will remember them. We begin with number 11

John Prescott

First to the politics I am not a socialist, I am not really a conservative, but I am more blue than red, this in mind more than Thatcher and Blair and all the others, Prescott is my favourite politician, his nickname was two Jags, that’s cool, he hates the aristocracy yet accepted a kinghood that is brilliant hypocrisy, but most of all when someone hit him with and egg as deputy leader of this country our number two, what did he do run? Nope he punched him square in the face, the best and truest reaction to provocation ever, no fake smile no silly pretend it never happened just chinned the mullet botherer. For this alone Prescott is a hero of mine.

Number 10:Raulph Fiennes

Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, his name alone should be enough to make this list, we just don’t appreciate a truly awesome name anymore, but his name is just the tip of the iceberg, he has done more, seen more ,blown more shit up than anyone else ever anywhere, and still manages to be a class act, he got frostbite in his fingers and rather than let them heal he cut them off with a saw in his own tool shed, this is more hard than you or I could ever be, he has ran 7 marathons in 7 days when having just had a heart bypass, this man is the hardest man on this list, that’s cool and that’s why he is here.

Number 9: Ian Botham

Being to young to remember much about Ian from TV(yes really) I have learned to appreciate him from his commentary on sky TV and his endless charity work, Botham came from a time when you could drink and stay out and be a character, and still play sport at the highest level, his nickname was “beefy” more than implying that he was not in the best physical shape, yet he was the best in the world for years at the top level of the game, he played before helmets against some of the most fierce bowlers who have ever played, yet if the “x-factor” can be defined he had it in spades, he was popular and loved in spite of his indiscretions and that’s what we want from out sportsmen, we want to feel we could have a pint with them without the hangers on and the attitude we want to think we could maybe play them 1 day and give them a game,Botham was a people’s sportsman.

Number 8: John Cleese

Before you think “Monty Python” or any of his work on film of TV your wrong, John Cleese is here for 2 reasons both wonderfully illustrated by theses clips

I would be honored to have a eulogy even half as good as this when I go, and the second clip is the best swearing ever seen on celluloid ,
Forget the shitty adverts and the selling out for theses 2 moments alone John Cleese rules

Number 7: Wayne Rooney

Wayne Rooney is the best player we have in this country right now, he plays for the biggest club side we have and is adored by millions, this is not anything to warrant greatness, in spite of having a head like a moldy melon, he has been used as a sponsor for dam near everything, and still this is not why greatness is bestowed on him, simply he is the only man stupid enough to be considered great, his stupidity is so magnificent its almost hard to fathom how he manages to even walk upright, if he could not kick a ball he would be being used in scientific experiments, he has shown moments of such bewildering stupidity that you cant believe what you have read, but there is one moment that eclipses all that takes him to a level of true greatness, something that without bigging up to much is maybe the thickest thing any person has ever done, while still the young darling of the sporting world with the world at his feet, Mr. Rooney decided to visit a local brothel, now although I don’t condone it being young and fabulously rich must be a difficult adjustment to manage, so after servicing the lady of the house a women in her 50’s he left a signed note “saying you have just been shagged by Wayne Rooney” this alone is so fantastic its deserving of top spot, he is only this low down due to his complete and total resemblance to a potato

Number 6: Max Mosley

Without doubt this Max was possibly the dullest man alive until 2008, a career lawyer and politician in and around the motor sport industry, he always had the persona of a wrong-un but the guile and genuine intelligence to appear the real deal, although he was a staunch safety campaigner for cars, he had no problem taking huge sponsorship from big tobacco companies ,this is all well and good but to be remembered for true greatness you have to step away from the normal you have to go further than you or I would even consider, and Mr Mosley did just that in 2008, when men become so rich and so powerful that normal acts of depravity simply do not do it for them anymore, they push barriers so far from the normal that when caught not only do we feel it’s a bloody good laugh, you wonder if you own life needs more pep, Max decided to partake in paying several women for group sadomasochistic sex, ok that’s not so bad, but max did it while dressed as a Nazi General, when indulging in sadomasochism it is best to maybe leave the Nazi uniform at home if the prostitutes your using are being paid by newspapers, although he eventually won his legal battle the fact he is a “Nazi sex pest” is itself completely fantastic worthy of the greatness he has achieved.

Part 2 next week not 1 person reading this will guess who is number:1 yet I guarantee you will all agree when you read it

Tuesday, 21 February 2012


Firstly this Blog is not supposed to be witty, or even clever, it’s just something I think about sometimes, so leave me alone if you don’t like it

I have skirted, danced, sashayed even with religion all my life, I find I want to believe in something but struggle to accept the ”leap of faith”

Firstly to date I have read the nearly all the big religious faiths guide books, the Koran the Bible etc and found while all are an OK read, I never had the moment, the enlightenment that I seen happen in others ,for a short while last year when anyone asked I always answered "Hindu me a shiva are solid mates".

A few years back I worked with an openly honest ex junkie who was a Jehovah witness and seemed to draw allot from it, he never tried to convert me, (something I respect) but he was defiantly a better man for his conversion

So why does none of it work on me? ,it has to be more than just the effort of going, or joining a group, fundamentally I hate all things organised, somewhere in my messed up noodle, nothing that’s structured appeals to me, the very thought of sitting in rows doing anything communal is just so far from me its oddly scary. I have this need to be distracted, its something I do actually think about allot,why is there so much to amuse me out the window? why can I not give the time to devote to a devotion,when I don't not really do much at all the rest of the time,

So I have decided for lent to give up my overly used, easily distracting, love affair with twitter, a small thing to most but I can waste most of a working day just Twatting about in the silliness of it all, and to have to leave it to fester without me is already proving tuffer than I thought it would be.

So why would a non believer need to give something up for a religion he does not believe in, well I want to hedge my bets, its that simple if I get to the end and there is something out there, at least I gave something up once, even a nonsense timewasty toy that is Twitter.

I cant give up the things I love, in no real order Women, cars, women and toys oh and I could never give up women, so twitter had to go, in a month or so I will come back and I doubt it will be any different, endless sex bots sending me endless nonsense and the odd person sending the odd thing I want to read, so see you out there soon

As no-one will likely read this blog, as I can’t tweet it or promote it, oh the irony! I thought I would just add, God if you do exist can do one small thing to make me believe, I just want to be 22 again for a week soon ,not got a  firm date yet but will keep you posted, or not even a week 5 days max, thanks big man  Chris x