Friday, 27 January 2012

Social Networking

I am the last to admit I am wrong about anything, but for once and this is the first time this has ever happened I may have been wrong. Now anyone who knows me will by now need smelly salts, I have for years resisted social networking as a silly fad for very silly people and still believe that Facebook is shite, don’t get it, never have, never will, its shite, Myspace and all the others completely passed me by without me noticing they excisted.

But Twitter I Joined in 2009 and after a slow start , Just  finding it good for info and sports news , I adore it, find it the most addictive thing there is, its fun, funny and the only place where you can say anything, without feeling the need to check anyone will mind, OK in 3 years my personality on-line has changed beyond measure where I used to just try to annoy as many people as possible, now I can if feeling the love be helpful,this is partly down to allot of friends and family following and partly down to maybe starting to grow up a bit, so I cant always be to rude!

Twitter alows you to be able to find out instantly the result of an obscure cycling race in Australia while keeping minute by minute score updates from the football and learning to cook Chinese’s food all while sitting at work to me is amazing, I have and do follow anyone who is odd, funny, obscure or just will teach me something I did not know anything about, for example a brilliant lady is tweeting me daily Chinese recipes, a tennis pro is telling me all the scores so I don’t have to suffer watching tennis, golffist are telling me what’s going on in there pointless sport, its brilliant, all messages in bite sized chunks not two long as to bore me or make me ignore them.

Now for the negative, how can people follow so many people? I genuinely read all mine, if I have a holiday I miss them but otherwise read 99% of all things in my time line, I follow 120 odd people this is about 500 tweets a day, how do you read them if you follow hundreds even thousands? This question really does need answering, why follow someone you have no need or gain from?

I follow friends weirdo’s and experts and it changes all the time, recently I stopped following a very interesting chap who taught me about websites and how to set your own up, but after 6 months he was repeating himself so dropped the bore, in a nice way but dropped nevertheless, so although I wont likely ever start my own web page its cool to no I could.

So here we are dear reader, if you read this because your one of my sexy super followers (no mingers allowed) then I hope its because you like, hate, fear or just want to follow me, not because you hope I will follow back, I do follow back if you’re a Luton fan or a friend or can teach me something but only until you bore me.

So go forth interwebbers and be interesting be crazy be random just don’t be boring, and  please don’t just recycle jokes from other websites, if its yours or new then do it if you nicked it from somewhere credit them cos its lame to steal.

Oh and please feel free to dump me from your list of people you follow its not something that has or will ever bother me, the best thing the reason Twitter makes me laugh is the fact that some guy in Nova Scotia liked a random comment I made based normally on how much sugar I have consumed that day Peace out Twatters see you out there x

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Emperor Clifford I

We live now with so much government be it national or local that no-one has any idea who is in charge, my town has a population of just about 205,000 and yet we have 2 MP’s, why is anyone’s guess, if we are skint and need to cut cost there is a job that can go, surely 1 town can cope with just 1 MP?

So, here we go, I propose we create a single unit to run the country, we abolish all local government and appoint one person to run the country, we abolish the House of Lords and all parliament, we in effect appoint an emperor

When we had a monarchy that had real power the country did very well, excluding starvation and disease of course, yet now we are slowly falling behind the rest of the world due to our need to legislate. If the Tiger economies can rule billions of people with next to no dissent from the masses, our new emperor should be able to handle 60 million.

So, where do we find this new leader, well I think it needs to be someone not scared to make decisions, able to remove themselves from the consequences of there decisions,have fabulous long flowing hair and be dashingly handsome, if I may be so bold I suggest that new emperor be me.

Wait, what makes me think I can run a country, well lets see, I would make the army the best well equipped in the world, I would make the managers of hospitals directly responsible so if someone dies of neglect or because of dirty wards they go to jail, I would throw out any sponging parasites back to where they came from.
All hardworking people would be safe as the top end policemen of all districts would be made electable, so if your being terrorised by vacant youths and the police do nothing, then you vote them out and get someone in who will give the scumbags a good thrashing.
On crime, I would make the victim or victims family able to set the punishment for the guilty, so if you’re a bleeding heart liberal you can let the scumbag who mugged you go with a nice warning and some community service, but if you want him put in stocks and battered about a bit then that’s good too, does anyone really think if the recent rioters had known a day in the stocks was the punishment they would have been so quick to steal some trainers?

Victorian, right wing all this may be but it would work, we allow council offices to be filled with career carers who pass files around and allow there cases to die yet never visit the person its about, they profess to be swamped with paperwork, well if the child dies the social worker goes to jail. Bet they suddenly get up and get on with it then,

The compensation culture that’s crippling any public service would be removed, if you have an accident then its just that an accident, get up get on and stop whining, if someone wrongs you then they go to prison, no one needs to give you money.

Sure there are going to be teething problems, where will the money come from etc, well when we have a functioning utopia, zero crime, good health, pensioners respected and cared for, money will not be an issue, companies and individuals will flock to be part of this, suddenly Britain will once again be the hub of the empire.

So, in conclusion make me emperor, give me 5 years, if nothing improves I will gladly stand down, as by then I would have embezzled so much money I will want to naff off to a nice island in the Caribbean, and be surrounded by floozies and flunkies, and I bet you in 5 years I will get more done than any leader in the history of the UK, Churchill, will be a distant memory next to my achievements,let my Dynasty begin!

thanks Poo's for the edit

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Grammar Nerds

Because of English word’s like there, their and they're and the never used correctly apostrophe ,the new most pathetic nerds and sudo-interlectuals, have taken it upon themselves to educate all who care to listen on how they should have used “their” or the apostrophe goes at the end, this ends now.

I am telling you this is now not acceptable you need to allow language to evolve to change and to addapt,surely you cant be that dull that you care to correct other people’s accounts of things?

If language, spelling and grammar never evolved we would all still use ye instead of the, and Shakespeare would be worth reading.

If he was about today he would use text speak to appeal to the masses, He would use abbreviation and slang, its not dumping down its evolution; you are of course welcome to use any language to describe any events but to belittle others because there punctuation is wrong is pointless and makes you look a dick.

Anyone taking the time to write something down even a “tweet” has merit, it belongs to its time and its place, history may not remember the message but history will remember twitter. even if we look back and say what where they thinking to bother with that, so leave it alone, no one will ever want to have sex with you or find you funny or even want to meet you if your so boring.

Maybe you can take your new ambivalence to trivial matters and actually become interesting, maybe you can devote time to being a productive member of society rather than a grammar nerd, and then maybe you will get a girlfriend and have some sex or maybe even make a friend

Go forth ex members of the grammar police, stop playing dungeons and dragons and squire yourself a tasty bit of fanny

And I have not checked any of the above for spelling or grammar as it made sense, so proves my point, or not disagree its what language is all about, just don’t mail me I wont read it co’s your clearly a bore.