Monday, 24 October 2011

Man Law Part 2

Man law (Part 2)

So, you’re half way through your education.  You’re feeling good, women are noticing you and finding you way more interesting.  You could stop now, you would still be a far better man than you were, but a real man needs to finish the final five steps to achieve Mantopia. It’s hard as it gets and getting progressively harder. And so we begin, with number five.

Man Law Number 5
Meat. Nothing at all can replace meat from a man’s diet.   Salad is a garnish. A nice decoration on the side of the plate.  We can all have a salad once in a while, but under no circumstances can it become the norm. Being well rounded men, we can date a vegetarian, even go to their restaurants (I have, they’re good) but without fail, a vegetarian diet will hold you back.  Your body may feel fine, but you’re heading down a road that leads to scented candles.  Meat can save you from this.

Man Law Number 4
Language. Now don’t get me wrong here, I like to swear. ‘Fuck’ is a fabulous word. Stub your toe, or hit your thumb with a hammer and ‘damn it’ just don’t cut it. But there are no occasions when swearing or shouting in anger at your lover, partner, or wife, is acceptable. Jokes are ok, bedroom adult play language actively encouraged, but no man should ever need to be foul and abusive to someone who is their confidant and partner. Men are stronger and in most cases larger than women, remember that and act accordingly.

Man Law number 3
Underwear.  Men, you have made it this far, and you’re still with me. You’re thinking Law 4 was way to tough, but trust me, three is tougher. Throw out all your gag pants.  Anything with a lion on the front is wrong. Having followed as far as Law 3, you will now be surrounded by the most plucked, preened, perfect creatures, your god ever created. They are dressed in something fantastic every time you visit.  They never answer the door in sweat pants and tops with pizza down the front. They’re waiting in stockings and perfect little two pieces, so the least you can do is get yourself 20 pairs of good man pants. Not posing pouches, nothing with cartoons or Star Wars characters involved.  I’m talking Calvin’s, but then only white is acceptable. Believe me, if you do get to drop them for a foxy filly, she is going to love them.  And keep them white. If they turn grey and baggy buy some more, don’t be cheap when covering your jewels.

Man Law Number 2
Driving. Of all the man laws, this is the one I still struggle with most myself.  We all need to get where we are going and the roads are ridiculous at the best of times.  But let people out.  Let children and drunks cross in front of you. Be a good Christian motorist. If someone cuts you up in a queue, remind yourself that if male, he undoubtedly has a tiny cock.  If a van sits an inch from your bumper, remind yourself that you have a supermodel at home and he is pulling his own to bang babes at midnight.  Try it. It’s liberating. You will get back all you give, think of it as the oral sex of driving: if you give, you will (hopefully) receive. 

Man Law number 1
Be a man. If you dismiss all 10 other laws and dismiss me as a crank and a tosser, I will be more than happy if you just accept Number 1. No man ever has to hit or hurt a woman.  No excuses. No level of provocation is an excuse.  If you need to hit something, go boxing, or come round mine and I will kick your pussy ass.  Being a man is brilliant.  We can scratch are balls watching TV and no one notices. We can laugh at inappropriate behaviour and no one minds. We can own tools we never use and no one thinks it weird.  But we cannot abuse our position and hurt the ones we love.  If you think that’s sissy, then fine.  Clearly you’re not a man, you’re a wife beating piece of shit.

Thank you dear reader if you made it to the bottom.  I think there are possibly 200 more man laws, all with varying degrees of importance.  Just remember, nothing is sexier or cooler than a man who is not afraid to be what his god created.
Thank you to LL for the Proof,And the inspiration

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Man Law

Man law (Part 1)

Years ago the world evolved to make all people equal, all sexes, and races, and colours, and creeds, this was a good thing, a red letter day for sure,

Here it comes, But I feel we have lost are sense of manliness, we have lost who we are, such is the desire to not be offensive we are practically becoming a nation of sissy’s, its time to take back what we have lost, I have constructed a list of 11 (11 cos every list is always 10 and that’s boring) must do, need to follow new man laws, part 1 is the first and easiest to instigate, they become tougher as you go down but with each achieved your life will be full of love, happiness and you wont feel like a girl.

Man law number 11
Crying .No man can cry unless there is physical pain, or someone is dying, or being born, end of no other occasions especially not if Louis Walsh wants you to wear bacofoil and sing on TV, and never cos you have had ,or not had any sex ,man up!

Man law number 10
The flop, The drop, The slob, men its your right as a man to lye on the sofa and watch Dave, this is not a treat this is not something you fit in around trips to Ikea to look at wooden nonsense with silly names. Demand your time, even if you have seen that particular Seagal Film five times you may have missed some of the nuances in his performance another viewing is way more important to your health and happiness than a new nest of tables.

Man law number 9
Shopping, no man ever has to shop, even when you’re down to your last pair of shorts, you can get every single thing ever manufactured online, and this is where man law 10 and man law 9 merge to become a super law. your time with the sofa is actually your time to use the interweb to get everything you could ever want delivered, and make your browsing history acceptable to prying eyes.

Man law number 8
Personal grooming, increasingly I see that men are starting to use lady products, this has got to end. Just cos Gerard Butler says its ok, it aint, there is never a need for more than 2 items in a shower shampoo (any on a buy 1 get 1 free) and soap that’s it, if that’s was enough to forge an empire its enough now, and under no circumstances can you trim sideburns and beards into odd shapes, I its not 1982 and you aint in Ultravox (young people ignore that reference) .stop it your are not worth it! you’re a girl.

Man law number 7
Mobile phones, Its ok to love your gadgets, its ok to feel you cant live without your toys, but its never ok to have a A team ring tone (or any that you think makes you look witty)or a picture of the Olsen twins as wallpaper. stop it it’s a phone a picture of the missus is just about acceptable, and man music is ok for a ring tone, if you are unaware what constitutes man music then its already to late to save you, go now. Read no further, go and live the metro-sexual dream.

Man law number 6
Trophy’s ,this is where the generational gap will show, when your 18 its ok to want your girlfriend  to give you her undies as a trophy, stop it now your over 25 , you’re an adult, use the technology available, get a mms picture of her tits ,don’t be a knicker stealer. The only souvenir you need is the fact that as you’re the man that’s already half way thru this list, she loving your hunky new persona.

Part two coming soon, 
Massive Thanks to my Proof reader ,The wonderfully helpful Lara