Monday, 5 December 2011

My best idea in years

Being someone who can spend entire days with nothing more taxing falling thru my brain than ,did I get enough ice cream as cant be arsed to cook tonight, I am not a deep thinker, I have so many pointless nonsense ideas about nearly all things that I decided ages ago not to voice them all verbally, Twitter allows me to post about 10 % of my crazy just enough to not scare to many people, and make me look mental, so I have invented things that no one would ever want or buy, and spent days fiddling with silly contraptions that don’t help in any way yet amuse the hell out of me,

Then every now and then I have a doosey a proper good idea ,some real left field thinking that is so bizarre its got legs walks and shits out its own brilliant ideas,

So I am pondering life the universe and everything ,and it hit me, we have melting north polar ice caps, and a dwindling polar bear population, as food and distance is killing them off, so here’s the thought, move them lock stock and barrel to the south pole, masses more food to eat ,expanding ice shelf that will allow them to roam and have vast territory’s they hibernate all through the worst of the weather so the penguins still bread and flourish and likely hardly ever meet, plus the penguins need there numbers trimming as they are wiping out huge fish stocks,

Ok I am sure this may shock you as it does me, But and in a JLO styley it’s a big But, this would ensure the species survived, and how is a penguin any less cute than a baby seal and we happily let them eat them ,so lets expand this idea, massive parts of north America are uninhabited and climate wise stable, lets move African endangered species, set up rhino sanctuaries it cant be that hard ,we happily waste millions keeping the giant panda alive thru artificial insemination etc ,just cos it looks cute, lets save some of the more killer exciting animals with the same gusto

Now your thinking all good, I  see your point of view(or more likely don’t) but how are we going to fund this its not like we can fly them on easy jet, well I have covered that two, we make them pay there own way, there are thousands of very rich very evil people with far to much money, we allow, after the animals are thriving and safe from extinction to hunt and have them for there supper, admit it rich weirdo’s love to shoot shit up, especially rich Americans, they can brag they have Polar bear for there barbe, it would be a smash hit, explore the wilderness of the south pole and shoot bears, its bound to be a success , thousands signed up to commercial space flights and the planes are not of the drawing boards yet, we can get the money.

So who is with me, great idea or utter nonsense, time will tell, I think in 20 or 30 years time this idea wont seem so far out.

Friday, 11 November 2011

The Real Evil That Lurks Amongst Us

The Citrus axis of Evil

First there was Iran, Iraq and North Korea. Now we have oranges, lemons and limes, the new and far deadlier axes of evil.  We have allowed these cutesy colourful balls of evil to infiltrate our lives. We start with the orange, the least offensive entry level fruit.  It’s harmless and nice and great squeezed for a refreshing breakfast beverage.   But beware, it’s the marijuana of the drugs game, it’s there to seduce you into the citrus trap, once your groomed on oranges you move to the real evil the crack cocaine of fruits: the lemon.

In 1997, Jamie Oliver was featured in a television documentary about the River CafĂ©. Soon after the documentary was aired, Jamie was offered his own television show and The Naked Chef was born.  At that precise moment in time, Lemification began.

With Tony Blair being elected Prime Minister, the final nail was driven into the coffin of this country.  Suddenly, talking and acting like a degenerate illiterate yob, was seen as cool. We all decided that we needed to use lemons in every single thing we cooked.  We raised children to only eat bitter nasty grub, because gobshite chefs said it ”cuts through the other flavours”.   No, it makes every dam thing you eat taste exactly the same.  So to counter this, every lazy good for nothing on the social, who couldn’t afford endless lemons, all trotted to the local fast food joints and got fat.  American fat, so fat that now these ‘restaurants’ are all drive through because the chunky can’t even walk.

Now we have armies of jumpsuit stretching socially inept thugs, who think its ok to riot if a criminal is shot. And whilst we sit back and tut, the Lemification continues.  These books of recipes still fly of the shelves.  What new stuff do you need to read?  Take veg, place on tray, cover in lemon, bake, eat, wonder why it tastes fucking horrid, go riot!

It’s happened.  And the only solution is to demand your food tastes of food.  Demand that we will not put lemon in coke or any other beverage.  Coke has existed as a perfectly refreshing drink since the 1940’s.  At no point did anyone say this needs a slice of citrus. Stop it.

Just de-lemificate and we will once again walk in our streets safe and sound.

As bad as everything smelling tasting and covered in lemon is, we move on to the lime.  The silent sneaky assassin of the fruit game.  It sits there all green and shiny, yet all the time directing the others to attack, rarely seen out, rarely seen bought by anyone sensible yet the true kingpin, the boss, is never caught yet controls all. How else would we think something so clearly unripe is a good accompaniment to anything?  Think about it.  The lime is the real power behind the lemons throne.

Go forth mighty Britain, remove citrus from your lives and once again sing Land of Hope and Glory, take your sword of burning gold, your arrows of desire and once again feel proud to be British.

Thank you LL as always for the honest review and spell checking,

Monday, 24 October 2011

Man Law Part 2

Man law (Part 2)

So, you’re half way through your education.  You’re feeling good, women are noticing you and finding you way more interesting.  You could stop now, you would still be a far better man than you were, but a real man needs to finish the final five steps to achieve Mantopia. It’s hard as it gets and getting progressively harder. And so we begin, with number five.

Man Law Number 5
Meat. Nothing at all can replace meat from a man’s diet.   Salad is a garnish. A nice decoration on the side of the plate.  We can all have a salad once in a while, but under no circumstances can it become the norm. Being well rounded men, we can date a vegetarian, even go to their restaurants (I have, they’re good) but without fail, a vegetarian diet will hold you back.  Your body may feel fine, but you’re heading down a road that leads to scented candles.  Meat can save you from this.

Man Law Number 4
Language. Now don’t get me wrong here, I like to swear. ‘Fuck’ is a fabulous word. Stub your toe, or hit your thumb with a hammer and ‘damn it’ just don’t cut it. But there are no occasions when swearing or shouting in anger at your lover, partner, or wife, is acceptable. Jokes are ok, bedroom adult play language actively encouraged, but no man should ever need to be foul and abusive to someone who is their confidant and partner. Men are stronger and in most cases larger than women, remember that and act accordingly.

Man Law number 3
Underwear.  Men, you have made it this far, and you’re still with me. You’re thinking Law 4 was way to tough, but trust me, three is tougher. Throw out all your gag pants.  Anything with a lion on the front is wrong. Having followed as far as Law 3, you will now be surrounded by the most plucked, preened, perfect creatures, your god ever created. They are dressed in something fantastic every time you visit.  They never answer the door in sweat pants and tops with pizza down the front. They’re waiting in stockings and perfect little two pieces, so the least you can do is get yourself 20 pairs of good man pants. Not posing pouches, nothing with cartoons or Star Wars characters involved.  I’m talking Calvin’s, but then only white is acceptable. Believe me, if you do get to drop them for a foxy filly, she is going to love them.  And keep them white. If they turn grey and baggy buy some more, don’t be cheap when covering your jewels.

Man Law Number 2
Driving. Of all the man laws, this is the one I still struggle with most myself.  We all need to get where we are going and the roads are ridiculous at the best of times.  But let people out.  Let children and drunks cross in front of you. Be a good Christian motorist. If someone cuts you up in a queue, remind yourself that if male, he undoubtedly has a tiny cock.  If a van sits an inch from your bumper, remind yourself that you have a supermodel at home and he is pulling his own to bang babes at midnight.  Try it. It’s liberating. You will get back all you give, think of it as the oral sex of driving: if you give, you will (hopefully) receive. 

Man Law number 1
Be a man. If you dismiss all 10 other laws and dismiss me as a crank and a tosser, I will be more than happy if you just accept Number 1. No man ever has to hit or hurt a woman.  No excuses. No level of provocation is an excuse.  If you need to hit something, go boxing, or come round mine and I will kick your pussy ass.  Being a man is brilliant.  We can scratch are balls watching TV and no one notices. We can laugh at inappropriate behaviour and no one minds. We can own tools we never use and no one thinks it weird.  But we cannot abuse our position and hurt the ones we love.  If you think that’s sissy, then fine.  Clearly you’re not a man, you’re a wife beating piece of shit.

Thank you dear reader if you made it to the bottom.  I think there are possibly 200 more man laws, all with varying degrees of importance.  Just remember, nothing is sexier or cooler than a man who is not afraid to be what his god created.
Thank you to LL for the Proof,And the inspiration

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Man Law

Man law (Part 1)

Years ago the world evolved to make all people equal, all sexes, and races, and colours, and creeds, this was a good thing, a red letter day for sure,

Here it comes, But I feel we have lost are sense of manliness, we have lost who we are, such is the desire to not be offensive we are practically becoming a nation of sissy’s, its time to take back what we have lost, I have constructed a list of 11 (11 cos every list is always 10 and that’s boring) must do, need to follow new man laws, part 1 is the first and easiest to instigate, they become tougher as you go down but with each achieved your life will be full of love, happiness and you wont feel like a girl.

Man law number 11
Crying .No man can cry unless there is physical pain, or someone is dying, or being born, end of no other occasions especially not if Louis Walsh wants you to wear bacofoil and sing on TV, and never cos you have had ,or not had any sex ,man up!

Man law number 10
The flop, The drop, The slob, men its your right as a man to lye on the sofa and watch Dave, this is not a treat this is not something you fit in around trips to Ikea to look at wooden nonsense with silly names. Demand your time, even if you have seen that particular Seagal Film five times you may have missed some of the nuances in his performance another viewing is way more important to your health and happiness than a new nest of tables.

Man law number 9
Shopping, no man ever has to shop, even when you’re down to your last pair of shorts, you can get every single thing ever manufactured online, and this is where man law 10 and man law 9 merge to become a super law. your time with the sofa is actually your time to use the interweb to get everything you could ever want delivered, and make your browsing history acceptable to prying eyes.

Man law number 8
Personal grooming, increasingly I see that men are starting to use lady products, this has got to end. Just cos Gerard Butler says its ok, it aint, there is never a need for more than 2 items in a shower shampoo (any on a buy 1 get 1 free) and soap that’s it, if that’s was enough to forge an empire its enough now, and under no circumstances can you trim sideburns and beards into odd shapes, I its not 1982 and you aint in Ultravox (young people ignore that reference) .stop it your are not worth it! you’re a girl.

Man law number 7
Mobile phones, Its ok to love your gadgets, its ok to feel you cant live without your toys, but its never ok to have a A team ring tone (or any that you think makes you look witty)or a picture of the Olsen twins as wallpaper. stop it it’s a phone a picture of the missus is just about acceptable, and man music is ok for a ring tone, if you are unaware what constitutes man music then its already to late to save you, go now. Read no further, go and live the metro-sexual dream.

Man law number 6
Trophy’s ,this is where the generational gap will show, when your 18 its ok to want your girlfriend  to give you her undies as a trophy, stop it now your over 25 , you’re an adult, use the technology available, get a mms picture of her tits ,don’t be a knicker stealer. The only souvenir you need is the fact that as you’re the man that’s already half way thru this list, she loving your hunky new persona.

Part two coming soon, 
Massive Thanks to my Proof reader ,The wonderfully helpful Lara