Friday, 11 November 2011

The Real Evil That Lurks Amongst Us

The Citrus axis of Evil

First there was Iran, Iraq and North Korea. Now we have oranges, lemons and limes, the new and far deadlier axes of evil.  We have allowed these cutesy colourful balls of evil to infiltrate our lives. We start with the orange, the least offensive entry level fruit.  It’s harmless and nice and great squeezed for a refreshing breakfast beverage.   But beware, it’s the marijuana of the drugs game, it’s there to seduce you into the citrus trap, once your groomed on oranges you move to the real evil the crack cocaine of fruits: the lemon.

In 1997, Jamie Oliver was featured in a television documentary about the River CafĂ©. Soon after the documentary was aired, Jamie was offered his own television show and The Naked Chef was born.  At that precise moment in time, Lemification began.

With Tony Blair being elected Prime Minister, the final nail was driven into the coffin of this country.  Suddenly, talking and acting like a degenerate illiterate yob, was seen as cool. We all decided that we needed to use lemons in every single thing we cooked.  We raised children to only eat bitter nasty grub, because gobshite chefs said it ”cuts through the other flavours”.   No, it makes every dam thing you eat taste exactly the same.  So to counter this, every lazy good for nothing on the social, who couldn’t afford endless lemons, all trotted to the local fast food joints and got fat.  American fat, so fat that now these ‘restaurants’ are all drive through because the chunky can’t even walk.

Now we have armies of jumpsuit stretching socially inept thugs, who think its ok to riot if a criminal is shot. And whilst we sit back and tut, the Lemification continues.  These books of recipes still fly of the shelves.  What new stuff do you need to read?  Take veg, place on tray, cover in lemon, bake, eat, wonder why it tastes fucking horrid, go riot!

It’s happened.  And the only solution is to demand your food tastes of food.  Demand that we will not put lemon in coke or any other beverage.  Coke has existed as a perfectly refreshing drink since the 1940’s.  At no point did anyone say this needs a slice of citrus. Stop it.

Just de-lemificate and we will once again walk in our streets safe and sound.

As bad as everything smelling tasting and covered in lemon is, we move on to the lime.  The silent sneaky assassin of the fruit game.  It sits there all green and shiny, yet all the time directing the others to attack, rarely seen out, rarely seen bought by anyone sensible yet the true kingpin, the boss, is never caught yet controls all. How else would we think something so clearly unripe is a good accompaniment to anything?  Think about it.  The lime is the real power behind the lemons throne.

Go forth mighty Britain, remove citrus from your lives and once again sing Land of Hope and Glory, take your sword of burning gold, your arrows of desire and once again feel proud to be British.

Thank you LL as always for the honest review and spell checking,

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