Wednesday, 21 March 2012

The Greatest Living Englishman

The Greatest Living Englishmen

Part 1

There are many who would say we don’t live in a time of huge achievement and this mighty country of our is not as great as it once was, this is clearly nonsense, we are living in a time when as I shall endevoir to prove that there are many truly great Englishmen, around right here right now to inspire you and to motivate you to be all you can be,
In compiling this list I have as before made it a top 11, this is because top 10 would have excluded 1 and been boring, we have 1 comedian, 5 sportsmen, 1 politician, 1 former FIA president, an actor and an explorer and 1 that defies description, this is all based on how you define great, to me its purely on how this group make me feel I like them all clearly but dislike them as well , this is because they may stand for something I don’t, but I admire they way they stood up and were counted, even if I disagreed with there views, this list is complied in order of how I rate there greatness and how I will remember them. We begin with number 11

John Prescott

First to the politics I am not a socialist, I am not really a conservative, but I am more blue than red, this in mind more than Thatcher and Blair and all the others, Prescott is my favourite politician, his nickname was two Jags, that’s cool, he hates the aristocracy yet accepted a kinghood that is brilliant hypocrisy, but most of all when someone hit him with and egg as deputy leader of this country our number two, what did he do run? Nope he punched him square in the face, the best and truest reaction to provocation ever, no fake smile no silly pretend it never happened just chinned the mullet botherer. For this alone Prescott is a hero of mine.

Number 10:Raulph Fiennes

Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, his name alone should be enough to make this list, we just don’t appreciate a truly awesome name anymore, but his name is just the tip of the iceberg, he has done more, seen more ,blown more shit up than anyone else ever anywhere, and still manages to be a class act, he got frostbite in his fingers and rather than let them heal he cut them off with a saw in his own tool shed, this is more hard than you or I could ever be, he has ran 7 marathons in 7 days when having just had a heart bypass, this man is the hardest man on this list, that’s cool and that’s why he is here.

Number 9: Ian Botham

Being to young to remember much about Ian from TV(yes really) I have learned to appreciate him from his commentary on sky TV and his endless charity work, Botham came from a time when you could drink and stay out and be a character, and still play sport at the highest level, his nickname was “beefy” more than implying that he was not in the best physical shape, yet he was the best in the world for years at the top level of the game, he played before helmets against some of the most fierce bowlers who have ever played, yet if the “x-factor” can be defined he had it in spades, he was popular and loved in spite of his indiscretions and that’s what we want from out sportsmen, we want to feel we could have a pint with them without the hangers on and the attitude we want to think we could maybe play them 1 day and give them a game,Botham was a people’s sportsman.

Number 8: John Cleese

Before you think “Monty Python” or any of his work on film of TV your wrong, John Cleese is here for 2 reasons both wonderfully illustrated by theses clips

I would be honored to have a eulogy even half as good as this when I go, and the second clip is the best swearing ever seen on celluloid ,
Forget the shitty adverts and the selling out for theses 2 moments alone John Cleese rules

Number 7: Wayne Rooney

Wayne Rooney is the best player we have in this country right now, he plays for the biggest club side we have and is adored by millions, this is not anything to warrant greatness, in spite of having a head like a moldy melon, he has been used as a sponsor for dam near everything, and still this is not why greatness is bestowed on him, simply he is the only man stupid enough to be considered great, his stupidity is so magnificent its almost hard to fathom how he manages to even walk upright, if he could not kick a ball he would be being used in scientific experiments, he has shown moments of such bewildering stupidity that you cant believe what you have read, but there is one moment that eclipses all that takes him to a level of true greatness, something that without bigging up to much is maybe the thickest thing any person has ever done, while still the young darling of the sporting world with the world at his feet, Mr. Rooney decided to visit a local brothel, now although I don’t condone it being young and fabulously rich must be a difficult adjustment to manage, so after servicing the lady of the house a women in her 50’s he left a signed note “saying you have just been shagged by Wayne Rooney” this alone is so fantastic its deserving of top spot, he is only this low down due to his complete and total resemblance to a potato

Number 6: Max Mosley

Without doubt this Max was possibly the dullest man alive until 2008, a career lawyer and politician in and around the motor sport industry, he always had the persona of a wrong-un but the guile and genuine intelligence to appear the real deal, although he was a staunch safety campaigner for cars, he had no problem taking huge sponsorship from big tobacco companies ,this is all well and good but to be remembered for true greatness you have to step away from the normal you have to go further than you or I would even consider, and Mr Mosley did just that in 2008, when men become so rich and so powerful that normal acts of depravity simply do not do it for them anymore, they push barriers so far from the normal that when caught not only do we feel it’s a bloody good laugh, you wonder if you own life needs more pep, Max decided to partake in paying several women for group sadomasochistic sex, ok that’s not so bad, but max did it while dressed as a Nazi General, when indulging in sadomasochism it is best to maybe leave the Nazi uniform at home if the prostitutes your using are being paid by newspapers, although he eventually won his legal battle the fact he is a “Nazi sex pest” is itself completely fantastic worthy of the greatness he has achieved.

Part 2 next week not 1 person reading this will guess who is number:1 yet I guarantee you will all agree when you read it

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