The Greatest Living Englishman

The Greatest Living Englishmen

Part 1

There are many who would say we don’t live in a time of huge achievement and this mighty country of our is not as great as it once was, this is clearly nonsense, we are living in a time when as I shall endevoir to prove that there are many truly great Englishmen, around right here right now to inspire you and to motivate you to be all you can be,

In compiling this list I have as before made it a top 11, this is because top 10 would have excluded 1 and been boring, we have 1 comedian, 5 sportsmen, 1 politician, 1 former FIA president, an actor and an explorer and 1 that defies description, this is all based on how you define great, to me its purely on how this group make me feel I like them all clearly but dislike them as well , this is because they may stand for something I don’t, but I admire they way they stood up and were counted, even if I disagreed with there views, this list is complied in order of how I rate there greatness and how I will remember them. We begin with number 11

John Prescott

First to the politics I am not a socialist, I am not really a conservative, but I am more blue than red, this in mind more than Thatcher and Blair and all the others, Prescott is my favourite politician, his nickname was two Jags, that’s cool, he hates the aristocracy yet accepted a kinghood that is brilliant hypocrisy, but most of all when someone hit him with and egg as deputy leader of this country our number two, what did he do run? Nope he punched him square in the face, the best and truest reaction to provocation ever, no fake smile no silly pretend it never happened just chinned the mullet botherer. For this alone Prescott is a hero of mine.

Number 10:Raulph Fiennes

Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, his name alone should be enough to make this list, we just don’t appreciate a truly awesome name anymore, but his name is just the tip of the iceberg, he has done more, seen more ,blown more shit up than anyone else ever anywhere, and still manages to be a class act, he got frostbite in his fingers and rather than let them heal he cut them off with a saw in his own tool shed, this is more hard than you or I could ever be, he has ran 7 marathons in 7 days when having just had a heart bypass, this man is the hardest man on this list, that’s cool and that’s why he is here.

Number 9: Ian Botham

Being to young to remember much about Ian from TV(yes really) I have learned to appreciate him from his commentary on sky TV and his endless charity work, Botham came from a time when you could drink and stay out and be a character, and still play sport at the highest level, his nickname was “beefy” more than implying that he was not in the best physical shape, yet he was the best in the world for years at the top level of the game, he played before helmets against some of the most fierce bowlers who have ever played, yet if the “x-factor” can be defined he had it in spades, he was popular and loved in spite of his indiscretions and that’s what we want from out sportsmen, we want to feel we could have a pint with them without the hangers on and the attitude we want to think we could maybe play them 1 day and give them a game,Botham was a people’s sportsman.

Number 8: John Cleese

Before you think “Monty Python” or any of his work on film of TV your wrong, John Cleese is here for 2 reasons both wonderfully illustrated by theses clips

http://bit.ly/RF2Wb

 And

http://bit.ly/jhkV3

I would be honored to have a eulogy even half as good as this when I go, and the second clip is the best swearing ever seen on celluloid ,

Forget the shitty adverts and the selling out for theses 2 moments alone John Cleese rules

Number 7: Wayne Rooney

Wayne Rooney is the best player we have in this country right now, he plays for the biggest club side we have and is adored by millions, this is not anything to warrant greatness, in spite of having a head like a moldy melon, he has been used as a sponsor for dam near everything, and still this is not why greatness is bestowed on him, simply he is the only man stupid enough to be considered great, his stupidity is so magnificent its almost hard to fathom how he manages to even walk upright, if he could not kick a ball he would be being used in scientific experiments, he has shown moments of such bewildering stupidity that you cant believe what you have read, but there is one moment that eclipses all that takes him to a level of true greatness, something that without bigging up to much is maybe the thickest thing any person has ever done, while still the young darling of the sporting world with the world at his feet, Mr. Rooney decided to visit a local brothel, now although I don’t condone it being young and fabulously rich must be a difficult adjustment to manage, so after servicing the lady of the house a women in her 50’s he left a signed note “saying you have just been shagged by Wayne Rooney” this alone is so fantastic its deserving of top spot, he is only this low down due to his complete and total resemblance to a potato

Number 6: Max Mosley

Without doubt this Max was possibly the dullest man alive until 2008, a career lawyer and politician in and around the motor sport industry, he always had the persona of a wrong-un but the guile and genuine intelligence to appear the real deal, although he was a staunch safety campaigner for cars, he had no problem taking huge sponsorship from big tobacco companies ,this is all well and good but to be remembered for true greatness you have to step away from the normal you have to go further than you or I would even consider, and Mr Mosley did just that in 2008, when men become so rich and so powerful that normal acts of depravity simply do not do it for them anymore, they push barriers so far from the normal that when caught not only do we feel it’s a bloody good laugh, you wonder if you own life needs more pep, Max decided to partake in paying several women for group sadomasochistic sex, ok that’s not so bad, but max did it while dressed as a Nazi General, when indulging in sadomasochism it is best to maybe leave the Nazi uniform at home if the prostitutes your using are being paid by newspapers, although he eventually won his legal battle the fact he is a “Nazi sex pest” is itself completely fantastic worthy of the greatness he has achieved.

Part 2 next week not 1 person reading this will guess who is number:1 yet I guarantee you will all agree when you read it

Religion

Firstly this Blog is not supposed to be witty, or even clever, it’s just something I think about sometimes, so leave me alone if you don’t like it

I have skirted, danced, sashayed even with religion all my life, I find I want to believe in something but struggle to accept the ”leap of faith”

Firstly to date I have read the nearly all the big religious faiths guide books, the Koran the Bible etc and found while all are an OK read, I never had the moment, the enlightenment that I seen happen in others ,for a short while last year when anyone asked I always answered "Hindu me a shiva are solid mates".

A few years back I worked with an openly honest ex junkie who was a Jehovah witness and seemed to draw allot from it, he never tried to convert me, (something I respect) but he was defiantly a better man for his conversion

So why does none of it work on me? ,it has to be more than just the effort of going, or joining a group, fundamentally I hate all things organised, somewhere in my messed up noodle, nothing that’s structured appeals to me, the very thought of sitting in rows doing anything communal is just so far from me its oddly scary. I have this need to be distracted, its something I do actually think about allot,why is there so much to amuse me out the window? why can I not give the time to devote to a devotion,when I don't not really do much at all the rest of the time,

So I have decided for lent to give up my overly used, easily distracting, love affair with twitter, a small thing to most but I can waste most of a working day just Twatting about in the silliness of it all, and to have to leave it to fester without me is already proving tuffer than I thought it would be.

So why would a non believer need to give something up for a religion he does not believe in, well I want to hedge my bets, its that simple if I get to the end and there is something out there, at least I gave something up once, even a nonsense timewasty toy that is Twitter.

I cant give up the things I love, in no real order Women, cars, women and toys oh and I could never give up women, so twitter had to go, in a month or so I will come back and I doubt it will be any different, endless sex bots sending me endless nonsense and the odd person sending the odd thing I want to read, so see you out there soon

As no-one will likely read this blog, as I can’t tweet it or promote it, oh the irony! I thought I would just add, God if you do exist can do one small thing to make me believe, I just want to be 22 again for a week soon ,not got a  firm date yet but will keep you posted, or not even a week 5 days max, thanks big man  Chris x

Growing Up

I love childish humour ,this is not likely to shock you dear reader ,and there is little chance anything will ever change to make me not adore a good knob gag, But recent events have made me for possibly the first time ever ponder my own mortality; I have lived with the notion that I am indestructible for most my life, and as such have never cared about the passing of time, being comfortably well off and ridiculously good looking. Life has been a total blast, from leaving home at 18 to present day not one day can I hand on heart say I regret, is it luck? I don’t know, I just always seem to land on my feet,

So what’s made me ponder the passing of time well firstly the age of my friends especially new ones seem to be getting much younger, this in itself is ok but the age gap brings the inevitable reference gap, in conversation you say flock of seagulls and the “yoofs” think birds rather than odd eighties pop act, laughing at the fact the young know so little is in itself heart warming, but makes you feel old.

This year after 2 years off the road I am taking on a few charities cycling events, in the past I used to get the bike out and within a week cover 50 miles no issue no need to train that much and with next to aches and pains, this year I have established that the body is no longer the finely tuned performance machine I once thought it was

I have also taken up running something I have never done before although I am improving its bothering me that I am so shit at it, after a solid month of going at least 4 times a week sometimes 5 I am still huffing at 2 miles and dying by 3,when I did take the bike out last week the first thing I noticed was just how dam scary fast it is and how tiny the tyres are, where did this need for safety come from, I still drive a speedy car and drive it like I stole it. And still like to climb stuff and jump off it. but now I think about it first I have never once thought that’s to fast or that’s too dangerous, why now am I becoming a girl, what happens as you age to make you realise that you cant just piss ball about all the time and you have to take care of yourself?

Suddenly not being the youngest in the gang has made me actually start to think 1 day, I will be a fogey its nearer than I ever thought it would be, would I go back in time and do it any different? , no way I would not change a thing, would I go back in time and be 20 again? No way. I would love to have a week there and have an enormous about of sex with 20 year old girls but I would not want to stay, so why I now feel the need to take care of myself is still lost to me,

 I feel the same as before I look almost as good as before, but I can say that being older has allowed me to realise that although I had a blast I don’t really want to do it again, so if I ever do invent a time machine I kind of think I will only travel forwards because looking back only makes you feel old.

I hope 2012 is the year that I may at last get married or at least engaged ,may at last become a sensible mature member of society, now all I need is someone to ask me because there’s no way I am buying a ring, well off I may be crazy I aint!

Social Networking

I am the last to admit I am wrong about anything, but for once and this is the first time this has ever happened I may have been wrong. Now anyone who knows me will by now need smelly salts, I have for years resisted social networking as a silly fad for very silly people and still believe that Facebook is shite, don’t get it, never have, never will, its shite, Myspace and all the others completely passed me by without me noticing they excisted.

But Twitter I Joined in 2009 and after a slow start , Just  finding it good for info and sports news , I adore it, find it the most addictive thing there is, its fun, funny and the only place where you can say anything, without feeling the need to check anyone will mind, OK in 3 years my personality on-line has changed beyond measure where I used to just try to annoy as many people as possible, now I can if feeling the love be helpful,this is partly down to allot of friends and family following and partly down to maybe starting to grow up a bit, so I cant always be to rude!

Twitter alows you to be able to find out instantly the result of an obscure cycling race in Australia while keeping minute by minute score updates from the football and learning to cook Chinese’s food all while sitting at work to me is amazing, I have and do follow anyone who is odd, funny, obscure or just will teach me something I did not know anything about, for example a brilliant lady is tweeting me daily Chinese recipes, a tennis pro is telling me all the scores so I don’t have to suffer watching tennis, golffist are telling me what’s going on in there pointless sport, its brilliant, all messages in bite sized chunks not two long as to bore me or make me ignore them.

Now for the negative, how can people follow so many people? I genuinely read all mine, if I have a holiday I miss them but otherwise read 99% of all things in my time line, I follow 120 odd people this is about 500 tweets a day, how do you read them if you follow hundreds even thousands? This question really does need answering, why follow someone you have no need or gain from?

I follow friends weirdo’s and experts and it changes all the time, recently I stopped following a very interesting chap who taught me about websites and how to set your own up, but after 6 months he was repeating himself so dropped the bore, in a nice way but dropped nevertheless, so although I wont likely ever start my own web page its cool to no I could.

So here we are dear reader, if you read this because your one of my sexy super followers (no mingers allowed) then I hope its because you like, hate, fear or just want to follow me, not because you hope I will follow back, I do follow back if you’re a Luton fan or a friend or can teach me something but only until you bore me.

So go forth interwebbers and be interesting be crazy be random just don’t be boring, and  please don’t just recycle jokes from other websites, if its yours or new then do it if you nicked it from somewhere credit them cos its lame to steal.

Oh and please feel free to dump me from your list of people you follow its not something that has or will ever bother me, the best thing the reason Twitter makes me laugh is the fact that some guy in Nova Scotia liked a random comment I made based normally on how much sugar I have consumed that day Peace out Twatters see you out there x

Emperor Clifford I

We live now with so much government be it national or local that no-one has any idea who is in charge, my town has a population of just about 205,000 and yet we have 2 MP’s, why is anyone’s guess, if we are skint and need to cut cost there is a job that can go, surely 1 town can cope with just 1 MP?

So, here we go, I propose we create a single unit to run the country, we abolish all local government and appoint one person to run the country, we abolish the House of Lords and all parliament, we in effect appoint an emperor

When we had a monarchy that had real power the country did very well, excluding starvation and disease of course, yet now we are slowly falling behind the rest of the world due to our need to legislate. If the Tiger economies can rule billions of people with next to no dissent from the masses, our new emperor should be able to handle 60 million.

So, where do we find this new leader, well I think it needs to be someone not scared to make decisions, able to remove themselves from the consequences of there decisions,have fabulous long flowing hair and be dashingly handsome, if I may be so bold I suggest that new emperor be me.

Wait, what makes me think I can run a country, well lets see, I would make the army the best well equipped in the world, I would make the managers of hospitals directly responsible so if someone dies of neglect or because of dirty wards they go to jail, I would throw out any sponging parasites back to where they came from.

All hardworking people would be safe as the top end policemen of all districts would be made electable, so if your being terrorised by vacant youths and the police do nothing, then you vote them out and get someone in who will give the scumbags a good thrashing.

On crime, I would make the victim or victims family able to set the punishment for the guilty, so if you’re a bleeding heart liberal you can let the scumbag who mugged you go with a nice warning and some community service, but if you want him put in stocks and battered about a bit then that’s good too, does anyone really think if the recent rioters had known a day in the stocks was the punishment they would have been so quick to steal some trainers?

Victorian, right wing all this may be but it would work, we allow council offices to be filled with career carers who pass files around and allow there cases to die yet never visit the person its about, they profess to be swamped with paperwork, well if the child dies the social worker goes to jail. Bet they suddenly get up and get on with it then,

The compensation culture that’s crippling any public service would be removed, if you have an accident then its just that an accident, get up get on and stop whining, if someone wrongs you then they go to prison, no one needs to give you money.

Sure there are going to be teething problems, where will the money come from etc, well when we have a functioning utopia, zero crime, good health, pensioners respected and cared for, money will not be an issue, companies and individuals will flock to be part of this, suddenly Britain will once again be the hub of the empire.

So, in conclusion make me emperor, give me 5 years, if nothing improves I will gladly stand down, as by then I would have embezzled so much money I will want to naff off to a nice island in the Caribbean, and be surrounded by floozies and flunkies, and I bet you in 5 years I will get more done than any leader in the history of the UK, Churchill, will be a distant memory next to my achievements,let my Dynasty begin!

thanks Poo's for the edit

Grammar Nerds

Because of English word’s like there, their and they're and the never used correctly apostrophe ,the new most pathetic nerds and sudo-interlectuals, have taken it upon themselves to educate all who care to listen on how they should have used “their” or the apostrophe goes at the end, this ends now.

I am telling you this is now not acceptable you need to allow language to evolve to change and to addapt,surely you cant be that dull that you care to correct other people’s accounts of things?

If language, spelling and grammar never evolved we would all still use ye instead of the, and Shakespeare would be worth reading.

If he was about today he would use text speak to appeal to the masses, He would use abbreviation and slang, its not dumping down its evolution; you are of course welcome to use any language to describe any events but to belittle others because there punctuation is wrong is pointless and makes you look a dick.

Anyone taking the time to write something down even a “tweet” has merit, it belongs to its time and its place, history may not remember the message but history will remember twitter. even if we look back and say what where they thinking to bother with that, so leave it alone, no one will ever want to have sex with you or find you funny or even want to meet you if your so boring.

Maybe you can take your new ambivalence to trivial matters and actually become interesting, maybe you can devote time to being a productive member of society rather than a grammar nerd, and then maybe you will get a girlfriend and have some sex or maybe even make a friend

Go forth ex members of the grammar police, stop playing dungeons and dragons and squire yourself a tasty bit of fanny

And I have not checked any of the above for spelling or grammar as it made sense, so proves my point, or not disagree its what language is all about, just don’t mail me I wont read it co’s your clearly a bore.

My best idea in years

Being someone who can spend entire days with nothing more taxing falling thru my brain than ,did I get enough ice cream as cant be arsed to cook tonight, I am not a deep thinker, I have so many pointless nonsense ideas about nearly all things that I decided ages ago not to voice them all verbally, Twitter allows me to post about 10 % of my crazy just enough to not scare to many people, and make me look mental, so I have invented things that no one would ever want or buy, and spent days fiddling with silly contraptions that don’t help in any way yet amuse the hell out of me,

Then every now and then I have a doosey a proper good idea ,some real left field thinking that is so bizarre its got legs walks and shits out its own brilliant ideas,

So I am pondering life the universe and everything ,and it hit me, we have melting north polar ice caps, and a dwindling polar bear population, as food and distance is killing them off, so here’s the thought, move them lock stock and barrel to the south pole, masses more food to eat ,expanding ice shelf that will allow them to roam and have vast territory’s they hibernate all through the worst of the weather so the penguins still bread and flourish and likely hardly ever meet, plus the penguins need there numbers trimming as they are wiping out huge fish stocks,

Ok I am sure this may shock you as it does me, But and in a JLO styley it’s a big But, this would ensure the species survived, and how is a penguin any less cute than a baby seal and we happily let them eat them ,so lets expand this idea, massive parts of north America are uninhabited and climate wise stable, lets move African endangered species, set up rhino sanctuaries it cant be that hard ,we happily waste millions keeping the giant panda alive thru artificial insemination etc ,just cos it looks cute, lets save some of the more killer exciting animals with the same gusto

Now your thinking all good, I  see your point of view(or more likely don’t) but how are we going to fund this its not like we can fly them on easy jet, well I have covered that two, we make them pay there own way, there are thousands of very rich very evil people with far to much money, we allow, after the animals are thriving and safe from extinction to hunt and have them for there supper, admit it rich weirdo’s love to shoot shit up, especially rich Americans, they can brag they have Polar bear for there barbe, it would be a smash hit, explore the wilderness of the south pole and shoot bears, its bound to be a success , thousands signed up to commercial space flights and the planes are not of the drawing boards yet, we can get the money.

So who is with me, great idea or utter nonsense, time will tell, I think in 20 or 30 years time this idea wont seem so far out.